I’ve got a fever, and the only prescription is more Bukowski. September 23, 2011
I like things. I like being alone. I like sweater weather, scarves, and argyle socks. I like that right now, in this moment, I am the most unattached that I have ever been. I can do whatever I want. I wish that “I” wasn’t already capitalized so that I could capitalize it and interpret just how great I feel, because bold doesn’t quite do the trick, and I finally have realized that I am harboring nothing that can hold me back. I have absolutely no where else to go or any other far away purpose, as of now or possibly ever, but I am completely free of obligations to anyone other than myself and I finally fully appreciate it. fact.
“I’ve never been lonely. I’ve been in a room — I’ve felt suicidal. I’ve been depressed. I’ve felt awful — awful beyond all — but I never felt that one other person could enter that room and cure what was bothering me…or that any number of people could enter that room. In other words, loneliness is something I’ve never been bothered with because I’ve always had this terrible itch for solitude. It’s being at a party, or at a stadium full of people cheering for something, that I might feel loneliness. I’ll quote Ibsen, “The strongest men are the most alone.” I’ve never thought, “Well, some beautiful blonde will come in here and give me a fuck-job, rub my balls, and I’ll feel good.” No, that won’t help. You know the typical crowd, “Wow, it’s Friday night, what are you going to do? Just sit there?” Well, yeah. Because there’s nothing out there. It’s stupidity. Stupid people mingling with stupid people. Let them stupidify themselves. I’ve never been bothered with the need to rush out into the night. I hid in bars, because I didn’t want to hide in factories. That’s all. Sorry for all the millions, but I’ve never been lonely. I like myself. I’m the best form of entertainment I have. Let’s drink more wine!”
“Amazing how grimly we hold on to our misery, the energy we burn fueling our anger. Amazing how one moment, we can be snarling like a beast, then a few moments later, forgetting what or why. Not hours of this, or days, or months, or years of this… But decades. Lifetimes completely used up, given over to the pettiest rancor and hatred. Finally, there is nothing here for death to take away.”-Factotum
“My ambition is handicapped by laziness”― Factotum
“We were all disgusting, doomed to our dirty little tasks. Eating and farting and scratching and smiling and celebrating holidays.” -Pulp, 89
“Existence was not only absurd, it was plain hard work. Think of how many times you put on underwear in a lifetime. It was appalling, it was disgusting, it was stupid.” -Pulp, 108
“We waited and waited. All of us. Didn’t the shrink know that waiting was on the things that drove people crazy? People waited all their lives. They waited to live, they waited to die. They waited in line to buy the toilet paper. The waited in line for money. And if they didn’t have any money they waited in a longer lines. You waited to go to sleep and then you waited to awaken. You waited to get married and you waited to get divorced. You waited for it to rain, you waited for it to stop. You waited to eat and then you waited to eat again. You waited in a shrink’s office with a bunch of psychos and you wondered if you were one.”-Pulp, 99
“I heard the siren then. It’s when you don’t hear it, it’s for you.”-Pulp, 112
“Often the best parts of life were when you weren’t doing anything at all, just mulling over it, chewing on it. I mean, say that you figure out that everything is senseless, then it can’t be quite senseless because you are aware that it’s senseless and your awareness of senselessness almost gives it sense. you know what I mean? And optimistic pessimism.” -Pulp. 152
“Nice neighborhood. Definition of a nice neighborhood: a place you couldn’t afford to live in.” -Pulp, 155
“So there I was, back at the office the next day. I was feeling unfulfilled and, frankly, rather crappy about everything. I wasn’t going anywhere and neither was the rest of the world. We were all just hanging around waiting to die and meanwhile doing little things to fill the space. Some of us weren’t even doing little things. We were vegetables. I was one of those. I don’t even know what kind of vegetable I was. I felt like a turnip. I lit a cigar, inhaled, and pretended that I knew what the hell.”-Pulp, 174
“I tended to worry when there was nothing to worry about. And when there was something to worry about, I got drunk.”-Pulp. 175
“Boring damned people. All over the earth. Propagating more boring damned people. What a horror show. The earth is swarmed with them.”-Pulp, 181
probably doing this in my room soon:
platinum rule status: hardly broken. September 14, 2011
I’m not the only asshole here.
Although, I should really develop some sense of patience. I’m just so ready for something to happen in my life. Keep waiting for something great. Maybe I’m going about this all wrong. Should I be actively finding this great thing? I think that sounds scary and I wouldn’t even know where to begin. Maybe that’s why I always feel like I’m just waiting to find some great career or direction to go in my life. I’m super lame and gay. I should just shut up and chill out.
The older I get the more I realize that people often do not do the things they say they will.– people do not always do what they say they will–. fact. I just felt I should say that out loud and write it again. for some reason this is hard for me to accept. I mean, sure, I’m guilty of talking and not following up about stupid shit, but people never cease to amaze me with their flakiness. # utter disregard for feelings.
Remember that one time? That one time, when things were different. That one time was fun.
people are so sucky. sucktastic. they do sucky things to perfectly nice unsuspecting people. there’s gotta be someone that won’t perpetually let me down. perhaps, I should lower my expectations.
Updates: I want to see The Books again. old music. FALL TV. true blood finale. I am so excited for boots and scarves. I need a new job. my name tag reads “sugar”, I dropped it. platinum rule stands. i’m the worst. Kween Queen is broken-it’s sad. clackadams is official in T-4 days. I’m getting older and lonelier by the second. i bought a new watch #highlight of the week. I keep doing this #””.